Today I write about being a mom. It’s my website and even though it’s about going green it’s also about being a mom and frankly, I need to write this. I’m nervous to press publish but thank you to Jennifer.
I’ve never really enjoyed being a stay at home mom.
I know, some of you might be shocked. Some might dislike me or are passing judgment on me. Really, I don’t care. I’ve probably thought the same “bad” things about myself that you might be thinking. I’ve judged myself probably harder then anyone could judge me. I’ve cried myself to sleep wondering why I can’t just be satisfied with staying at home. I have friends that love it and others that wish they could stay at home and not work. Except, I’ve felt lonely, brain dead, unstimulated, bored and frankly like I just suck when I’m at home with the kids. Like I’m not completely happy but if I do anything else I would be a horrible person and plagued by mommy guilt.
This does not mean I don’t love my kids or being with them.
This is the problem, when moms say that don’t really like being a stay at home mom they’re perceived as women who shouldn’t have had children and are bad moms. If you are someone that might think this: Bite me. I’m in love with my children. I try very hard to be a “good” mom and bend over backwards to raise my children to be good citizens of the World and Planet. To love themselves, respect others, and enjoy life. I try to bake cookies regularly and do the things I believe good moms should do. I try everyday around the clock because I love my kids. I do the chores, fold the laundry, cook the dinner and I don’t necessarily like it. I’ve never learned to like doing laundry or changing dirty diapers. I still love being a mom and I love my children. None of this means everyday is awful or that I didn’t have wonderful joyous moments that I’m thankful for.
I took a snapshot years ago of what it would be like to have children and be married. That snapshot involved me having lots of children and loving being at home with them, cooking, cleaning and caring for the home. I wanted to be June Cleaver.
I have to take a new picture because the old picture is not me. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve struggled with this. I think I’ve crushed my husband’s dreams a little too. Before marriage we both wanted several children and for me to be a homemaker. I started babysitting and caring for children when I was very young so it was natural for me and what I always thought I would do. I never even tried to imagine anything else because I assumed I would love it. I was always told I would make such a great mommy. I worked in daycare’s, taught preschool and everyone said I would be such a good mommy. I believed them and thought I would too.
Actually, I am a good mommy. I’m a kick ass mommy.
I’m just not the mom I thought I would be when I took that visual snapshot so many years ago. So now, I’m heading back to work. I’ve accepted a job part-time using my degree and will finish my Masters this fall in early childhood education. I’ve enrolled my children in preschool and daycare and hired someone to help clean the house. I’m dedicated to making my business, Green and Clean Mom, LLC be outstanding and have updated my services offered page. I have booked a four day vacation to a beach resort with just my sister and no kids.
I have reclaimed me. Actually, I think I am trying to find me, again.
I have a new picture and this picture includes me smiling. Me holding my two children dear to my heart. Sommer Poquette, Green and Clean Mom, doing what she loves because when I am happy and healthy I am the best mom I can be to my children. Starting with back to work part-time.
Everyone has a different picture but sometimes they have to take many different shots to actually get a picture that really portrays them.