Motherhood and Honesty

I love my daughter. I mean love beyond words. There aren’t enough stars in the sky to count the ways I love her (or my son).

That being said, I’m surprised I don’t have a full head of gray hair by now and she’s only 7 {insert big grin}!

When I first conceived I was sure she was a twin or triplet. My doctor and I were sweating because my HCG level was so high and yes, I had to use fertility drugs. I’ll have to write about this again because I really haven’t talked about it here on my blog. Anyhow, she was a single and thanks to God because she is as much work as two or even three children some days. I’ll never forget my OBGYN wiping the sweat of his brow!

From the moment of conception she gave me heart palpitations! I worried about whether I had more than one; I then learned that the umbilical cord had a single artery. Most cords have one vein and two arteries. My situation was rare and is common in multiple births (which makes me again wonder with my high HCG levels). I remember going for tests and being watched closely because even though everything can be normal in these circumstances there is a chance that a baby can be born with abnormalities. I recall lying in bed crying and worrying. I had to just leave it to God and know that I was in this to be this child’s mother regardless – no strings attached.

I cried when I found out she was a baby girl. Not because I wasn’t happy she was a baby girl. Oh my, I was delighted and thrilled. I cried because I was scared to death. Scared because my own relationship with my mom Parenthood and loving my daughter! #faith #motherhood #honestlyhas always been tumultuous and how the heck can I be a good mom when I’m not close with my own mother? I cried. I read every book about how to mother daughter’s and be a good mom to a little girl and raise a woman. As though a book can 100% guide you but I was devoted and I wanted to be the best mom EVAH to this baby girl.

And then this little Miss arrived four weeks early. Again, scaring me but luckily her lungs developed and besides being monitored for an irregular heartbeat my barely 5 pound baby girl was healthy.  She made my heart skip some beats but she does this often to me.

She raged and had a set of lungs when you changed her diaper and we should have known she was emotional and temperamental from the second we had her first feeding and diaper change!!!

We named her Josephine after my favorite character (later to find out the name is part of my husband and my family tree), in my favorite book, Little Women. Joe March! Witty, intelligent, a spit fire and sometimes unpredictable but full of life and a heart as big as they come. Funny but that is my little Joe too!

Motherhood and learning! #parentingI love my daughter. She sometimes is more than I can handle and yes from the beginning she’s given me a run for my money. I’ve said prayers. I’ve cried. I’ve had a glass of wine or two. I’ve gone for long walks alone. I’ve ran until my body hurt. I’ve called my sister not sure what to do next. I’ve laughed until my stomach hurt because I’m not sure what else to do but laugh. I’ve wanted to give up.

I’ve even asked myself why I’m her mom. Why? I’m not good enough for this little girl that makes me smile, laugh, cry, pull my hair out and lights up the room. A little girl that is fearless and so free spirited. I’ve never been a little girl like she is; my childhood was so very different.

One night (it was a bad parenting night with lots of childhood meltdowns and tantrums) I could feel my hairs go gray and texted my sister, Haley, upset and crying. She is my life line. She is one of my best friends. I told her I thought that there was a mistake, I was not meant to be this amazing little girls mama (that is what my Josie calls me) because I can’t seem to handle her temper tantrums and all the hard times she gives me (note, she makes me smile and laugh a ton and my heart swells daily)!

Parenting and #faith and our how our children challenge us! #motherhoodAnd then my sister reminded me. She texted during this tough parenting night that Josie is God’s child and she was given to me to take care of and when I read the text tears rolled down my face. Remember I’m going through this spiritual journey so I cry often! Anyhow, she says that Josie and I we’re meant for each other and as much as I’m teaching her she is here to teach me. God gave her to me for this reason.

O.M.G.

My sister is wise beyond her years I think. I think God also gave my sister to me to give these wise pieces of advice when I need them most. She helps me keep my SANITY!

Regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs I think what is important to remember here is that our kids do indeed challenge us. Parenting IS challenging but it makes you grow. It makes you a better person. It teaches you to have patience or to try to have more patience. It stretches you beyond your limits. Ultimately, your child regardless of gender, blood, adoption or even fostering is meant for you in some way shape or form. I think my sister is right (She usually is…shh don’t tell her!) that our children are meant to teach us as much as we teach them – we are meant for each other. I believe this for my daughter and my son.

There is no parenting manual. There is no perfect equation or perfect child or parent. We’re doing our best. That is all we can do and that is all we can expect our kids to do. So when they challenge you from conception and beyond take a second or minute (shucks an hour) to reflect on the lesson. What is it you’re supposed to be learning and gaining from this?

 

 

 

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